09 Jan 2007
That’s why I dislike pictures
My parents were not used to take photographs from us, neither was easy to find pictures from anyone at our home. So I grew up, with no habit of taking pictures, but with a kind of “lack†that lead me to be addicted to photographic cameras.
Oddly, I always had cameras, but I can’t remember of actually making use of them. Except for the very first days, those machines of mine tend to be misused, forgotten. Right now, for instance, I have an old Web Cam Go Plus, which I can’t install on Linux, a Samsung S-301, and two cell phones with built-in camera (both Motorola, C650 and Razr V3). Besides it, I have a Zenith monoreflex that I love, because… well, just because.
Yesterday I was cleaning the house and found a box full of pictures, all of them taken with the Zenith. It was the first time I realized why my parents were not used to capture moments on films.
I found some pictures from someone that is already gone to another dimension, someone that I (still) love with all my heart, from the deepest of my soul. For one moment I felt again all the warmth of those nice moments we had together, registered on paper. But next I felt all the pain of the loss. I accessed some “hidden records†and was not able to avoid feeling sad.
I think my parents and brother have a similar feeling about me, because I, as an adult, don’t even resemble who I was as a child. I am, definitely, very different from what they expected from me. In fact, my mom confessed that they really don’t know this person who she gave to birth, who they fed and protected, and educated, and loved. They could never predict that I would be the man I am, to feel the way I fell, and so on. That’s why looking at pictures from me in my early years is like to look at pictures of a dead child, the son they lost, or never had.
I’m sorry, everybody. Despite how much I love you, I’ll never be what you expected from me. If I have the right to ask you something further, it is: keep up your love for me, and don’t try to stop me. I have to be going to somewhere, always. I’m the one who passes by other’s lives, not the one who is left crying.
By the way, it’s fun to take pictures from the places you visit. Some landscapes are really worth some snapshots.
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I have a Zenith 12XP and, of course, I don’t use it for years.
But most of the pictures I see around in my things were taken with that old camera.
Digital photos are incredible, but they’re hidden on HD’s and CD’s.
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